In our quest for a balanced transformative evolution, let us consider a very popular topic today, that of relationships.
Do you notice how relationships can bring out the best and the worst in us?
Are you suffering right now because your relationship with someone else is less than ideal?
Why do most of us constantly inflict our own will upon the other in relationships?
Those and many other questions can be asked when one considers their own purpose and happiness in a relationship. It is only by looking at yourself and within that you can find the answer you need – not at the other person.
The truth is, sooner or later, most people today are miserable in a relationship and the downfall of that always seems to be the same cause – trying to change the other.
There do exist amazing unities, relationships where both partners can feel free to be whoever they want and express themselves however they want. They are rare, but none the less they exist. And what is even more inspiring is that with today’s awakening of consciousness more and more of them are flourishing.
So if you do not have the mate or the relationship of your dreams, why is that so? And how can you achieve a blissful partnership with someone that lasts all the time? The answer is very simple.
Let the other person be!
See you do not need a counselor. There is no huge formula or secret to this process and there is no rigorous set of books you must read.
If you want a constantly happy, fulfilling and joyous relationship, where each day you are just as excited to see your mate as the previous one if not more, where the novelty of hugs and kisses never wears off, where the term union has credible meaning and where the term love is unconditional then read on.
Most of us know that most relationships start off quite great. They are full of excitement and powerful energies where one can feel the passion exploding. At this stage people may decide to make a commitment to each other and then for many something unexpected happens – the relationship, the passion, the love and the respect fizzles.
Some people of older generations may tell you, “well that is life”. Even some younger generations believe that that is the natural course of a relationship and you just have to “work” and “struggle” through it.
Well awakened and enlightened people will tell you – no! There is no way a relationship should be hard work, a struggle or any kind of battle.
See the reason for that unpleasant trend in most relationships is that people are meeting and dating out of their ego. That is not really who they are. So the shift starts to happen where pink roses start turning black and what happens, the ego resurfaces even stronger with a feeling of “how dare you, you were not like this, you changed on me…” and so on and so forth.
If only at the beginning we were open and honest, not only to our mate, but most importantly with ourselves, things would never ever get as bad as they do, like many drawn out and vicious divorce battles exemplify for us.
So why isn’t your mate how you want them to be?
For 2 reasons really:
Because they are finally being themselves and you cannot accept that since you saw a different side of them at the beginning not through intentional deception on their part either, but due to unconsciousness on both parts and partly too because we see what we want to see when it is convenient.
Because they truly have changed and that is okay. We are growth seeking and changing beings and what serves us at one time, may not serve us at another time. But there is nothing wrong with that, only a choice for the two partners to grow together in the same direction or in different directions.
If we back track any relationship to the beginning and watch its initial stages, yes people put their best foot forward at the beginning but at the same time people CHOOSE to ignore a lot of what will bother them in the future, thinking “they can change that”.
So the key to a better relationship is letting your partner be who they want to be. Let them express themselves how they want, saying and doing what may be their nature at the time. And if you do not like the outcome of that, it is not their problem and hence your job to change that, but your problem to which the solution is always compassionate and peaceful and perhaps based on removing yourself from the situation, temporarily or permanently.
It is no surprise that in our society we try to force our will upon another, after all that is what most religions teach, God supposedly gave us our own free will but if you don’t change and do what he wants then he will not “like” you anymore.
Well just like that is so far from the ultimate truth, so is thinking that you have any right to get upset with how your partner is and try to change them to how you want them to be.
How can we feel good about making the other person into someone they are not? Did we not say after all that we love them? If so, then how loving is it to make the person into something or someone who they are not comfortable being. That is not love.
Now you may be thinking, “so if I do not like how my partner talks, behaves, treats me, etc… I should just let them go?” Well yes, but it is not that black and white.
Let us work together through an example: Imaging that your partner loves shopping and spending money recklessly.
In a typical relationship the other party would get upset, nag, get frustrated, perhaps yell and scream and cause tremendous turmoil over their partner’s habits. This would create distance and loss of intimacy on both partner’s ends, while creating resentment and leading to more problems on the so called “bad habit” indulging partner’s end.
In an enlightened relationship the very first thing that you as the person having the problem with this would notice, is that the mate is acting solely out of their own ego and being guided by a false sense of satisfaction. Secondly, you would look upon that person with compassion and know that there is some depth or some aspect of self lacking in them. They are not doing this to spite you and not because they want to secretly push you away or make you upset.
In such a case one has two options:
1) Deal with the situation with compassion and try to address and get to the root of the discord. The whole time not trying to change the behavior but trying to find out the core reason for it.
If you and your mate can talk about this in a civil and compassionate way a probable resolution may be achieved. It will be more possible of course, if the other person is open to acknowledging their ego and searching for their highest and truest self.
2) If you cannot compassionately talk to the other person and try to inspire them to look into their inner self, then you need to make the choice that will serve you and that is to openly communicate your desires and needs, such as “Fill in name, I love you but I cannot be with you under these circumstances, I am okay if you need to pursue this blank (action, behavior, attitude…) but I cannot be a part of it as it is not the experience I choose”.
The parting may be temporary to see how both partner’s do with time and space or the parting may be permanent.
Finally let us solve 2 issues you may be having with the above suggestions:
1. I have invested so much into this person, this relationship, this life
Remember every relationship, no matter how short or long is opportunity for growth, for finding out your highest self and acting out of your highest self. Hence do not let material items stand in your way. Houses and other possessions can be sold and split fairly when egos stay out of it. Kids can adjust and often do better when both parents are apart and happy than together and miserable.
The only investment that matters is your experience, the rest is just part of our worldly story and illusion, so do not let that stand in the way of your or your partner’s ultimate happiness. When you have lived out life fully this time around, what will your last thoughts be? I have lost so many material objects or I have lost so much time to create rich experiences?
2. It is too sad or scary to walk away
It is only sad or scary because our false self, the ego, loves comfort and it will do and make you feel all sorts of things not to change the status quo. The ego is uncomfortable with change – not you. In our truest essence we are beings of constant growth and change.
Remember that “when one door closes, a window opens” is a very true saying. There is opportunity and growth in every situation. And what may seem scary at one time may turn out to be your greatest joy in life at another.
Just like you should not want to or force to change the other person. You should not force or change yourself to accept the other person if they are not creating with you your ultimate experience here on Earth. You did not come here to suffer, but to create the experience and life you choose. So choose always out of your highest version of yourself not out of your insecure ego.
As much as society has conditioned us to believe that it is not you, but the other person, the hard truth is that it is you.
Nobody does anything to us may be hard to believe but it is true. If we feel pain and suffering because of someone, we have the choice to remove ourselves from that situation and when we don’t we are inflicting pain on ourselves, it is not the other person doing that to us.
The other person is just trying to be who they want to experience themselves as and no one has the right to stand in the way of that. If you can live with it then great, but if you cannot, be fair to yourself and them and walk away with compassion.
In today’s fierce society of divorce battles and custody hearings, one can easily lose sight of the bigger picture. But the bigger picture remains in that, you walked into a relationship with compassion and so walk out of it with the same. And not only is this possible, but it is the only natural way to act, one only needs to take their ego out of the equation.
If you are still not convinced that this is a better, easier and happier way to live in a relationship then ask yourself “why you want to be with a person who is really not them self?” Do you really need comfort and security that bad that you want to live out a masquerade?
Hopefully not, as in the end that type of experience serves no one.
So be yourself and allow your partner to be who they choose to be, for it is only then that you can attempt to have the loving, blissful and everlasting unity of true partnership.