I had a conversation one night about love. I was speaking with someone who has a lot of experience with loving and being loved. I definitely felt like a younger love Padawan than her. I wasn’t able to come to any conclusions after our conversations, but I did realize that I don’t see it the same way as her. After that conversation I started thinking about everything else that gives me the feeling of being misaligned in this world.
In the area of love, I feel very excluded. I feel like there are simplicities that I don’t understand. I feel blind. What else makes me feel blind? What else makes me feel like I am unable to see? I hear people talking about friendship and that’s not really how I see it either. Comedy, I used to do comedy and I don’t look at it that way either; art in general really. I definitely don’t look at what being an artist is that way.
I’m in music school right now and I often have a question mark above my head while I’m there. I’m always thinking “really?” That’s what this is? That’s what music is? That’s how you see music? That’s how you look at it?
There was a trio of university doctors/professors who did a workshop at school the other day and when they started talking about what they see it as, I was like … For real??? The same goes for my teacher for the instrument I play at school. I don’t relate in any way to 9 out of the 10 things he says about music. I don’t see it that way. Acting, writing, family—I don’t see any of those things that way either.
A Startling Realization Emerges
The only areas I have been able to source out like minded thought in, are spirituality, health, and science. I’ve at least been able to hear people in alternative circles in those areas, speak about things that I relate to.
This is when a crystallization occurred for me the other night. I realized that the people I was able to relate to, constantly had people fighting their philosophies. They all did, they all do. No one just buys the way they look at the world. People have consciously fought against their philosophies through most of history.
Those are the people I relate to. Those are the people I feel at home with. Those are the ideas I feel at home with; the ones where people are following and moving towards their personal truth without consideration for whether or not they are aligned with the philosophy of the people around them.
Another realization hit me; I’ve always felt like I was blind in these areas. Like there was something I just couldn’t see. But wait, even if you are blind you can find a way to navigate the world. You can find a way to live and you can get to a point where you find your blindness to be an advantage… _Why have I been swimming up stream so hard? Why have I been looking out into the world with puppy dog eyes of sadness? Why have I been trying with so much effort to understand the way it works?—_when to me it doesn’t work!
Acknowledging the Importance of Personal Truth
In my conversation last night about love, I was told a little bit about the courting process. I just didn’t understand the idea of representing yourself as something other than what you are, in order to entice people into wanting to be with you. I mean I get it on some level. I don’t want to wear clothes with holes in them on a date….. but wearing clothes with holes in them isn’t truly who I am.
But not wanting a family IS truly who I am. Believing and understanding that everyone on this planet is special and worthy of love is also who I am. So is creating distance from others with my humor. So is questioning everything I hear. So is this desire to not be tricked by my oppressors. So is not caring about what she is wearing on a date. These and many other things are who I am. Some things I feel don’t resonate with my truth, and I work towards realigning them. Some things are resonating swimmingly and I have no desire to alter them in any way.
I don’t want to be alone in this world. I don’t want to be excluded. I don’t want to be left out and I don’t want to be unloved. But I do want to be and live my honest and genuine truth.
Now that I think about it, living my honest and genuine truth is the MOST important thing to me in this world. I want love a lot; I want to be an artist, and a comedian and a musician a lot. But I certainly don’t want those things more than I want to live my truth. The most important thing in this universe to me is to live my truth.
The thought of misrepresenting myself in this world for any cause or reason baffles me logically. Yet all these years I’ve been living with disappointment that my truth did not align with how others were living around me.
Wait a minute, I left comedy and acting because…I was mad at it. I was mad that I didn’t fit into it. Wait a minute… I left it because I couldn’t find a way to do it and live my honest and genuine truth. Wait a minute… I bet there would have been a way for me to be a comedian and live my truth, and I would have been able to figure out how to do it if I had realized the reason for me feeling uncomfortable with it.
The Sweetness of Life Based On Personal Truth
I just went back to the top of the article and re-read it. I want love, I want a companion, I want to be an artist, I want to be an expressive musician. I’m feeling misaligned with those things. In fact, I have always felt misaligned with love, but I just realized why I feel misaligned with those things too. My concept of what it was to be or have those things was clashing against me living my genuine truth.
All these years, it was so simple. I thought I was mad and sad, and frustrated that my idea didn’t line up with theirs. But in actuality… I was mad that I wasn’t truly living my truth even though I knew what it was.
Oh my god…
2 + 2 = 4!
As Morpheus once said to Neo “Stop trying to hit me, and hit me.”
There isn’t something I don’t understand about the “right way” to love. There is no right way to love. There is no right way to do anything. There was just something I didn’t understand about MY way of loving. I didn’t understand I have the power and the right to do it in alignment with what I believe. Add art, add music, add comedy, add family to that sentence. Now I’m getting it. Now I understand what it means to live my truth.
And so as Morpheus also once said to Neo “There is a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path”
Live genuinely in the way that resonates with your truth, as I will with mine, and all will be provided.